A little Light Called Liam
Prologue
The inspiration for my Twitterive is my son, who is also my inspiration for most things in my life. There was a time when life seemed dark, and I couldn’t see the light. I had lost a baby due to a miscarriage, a baby that I tried to have for a long time. I was devastated. I still continued to try though, that is until I got more news that darkened my life – my husband was about to go on the list for a double lung transplant. With the dark clouds lingering I decided to stop trying – at everything. It felt like my world was gone; my hope had diminished. I needed a miracle, would God forsake me? My miracle first appeared in an unusual way. Follow through my journey beginning with sorrow but ending with hope and happiness.
I found my place – it is my connection to my son. The one who made my world bright again.
I found my place – it is my connection to my son. The one who made my world bright again.
Tweets that inspired my Twitterive:
Not so easy playing the game of LIFE with a 6 year old
I take it back he got the hang of it quickly
Listening to the crickets create a soothing sound that is familiar…love being home with my family
Best compliment ever….I wish you weren’t my mom….that way I could marry you – my heart melted
Favorite quote of the day from my 6 year old – maybe it was just my mind trickin on me
Trying to hw but all I hear from the other room is HEEYA someone is being karate chopped
Awake a half hour early because that damn tickling hand got him again in his sleep
Pumpkin pie and ice cold milk
Love listening to my six year old sing when he thinks I am not listening
Watching Kick Buttowski
To see the world through a child’s eyes for one day would be awesome
Story balloon what a great activity to get little ones talking
He is so happy that his kitty sleeps with him
Woody’s surf and skate shop signing the boys up for surfing
Memories won’t fade if they are kept in your special place, your heart
Finally stopped raining – Halloween camping weekend here we come
My little guy just said lightening is God’s fireworks
Remembering the day when you held my hand
These are the tweets that I used since I began my twitterive:
You are my sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray
Having cookies and milk with the youngest love of my life
Sitting next to my little man doing hw together
Letting my little man stay up late because I miss him so_cookies and milk
Want to be home with my little man instead of at school doing hw
I have a date tonight with a zombie pirate_going to the haunted high school with two of the loves of my life
No homework tonight_spending some much needed time with my little man
My little man just asked if we could go on a date he simply makes my world better
When you are born you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries ~ Tibetan Buddhist Saying
My dear sweet baby,
I tried for a really long time to have you in my life. Four years. I cried when I found out you were growing inside of me. I cired even more when I lost you. I never got the chance to know you. I never got the chance to hold your hand in mine. I never felt your soft breath as you laid on my chest. I think about who you would have been, and I cry. I could handle the empty space you left behind, but the emptiness is devoured by sadness. A sadness that calls my heart home. It must be comfortable there because it never leaves. My dear sweet baby are you at home in heaven?
I tried for a really long time to have you in my life. Four years. I cried when I found out you were growing inside of me. I cired even more when I lost you. I never got the chance to know you. I never got the chance to hold your hand in mine. I never felt your soft breath as you laid on my chest. I think about who you would have been, and I cry. I could handle the empty space you left behind, but the emptiness is devoured by sadness. A sadness that calls my heart home. It must be comfortable there because it never leaves. My dear sweet baby are you at home in heaven?
My dear sweet baby,
It has been two years since God took you away from me. I still cry. Sadness still calls my heart home. I pray that Babci is holding your hand. Does she get the chance to feel your soft breath? I still wonder who you would have been. The sadness still stays, and I feel like I'm lost. I need to find my way, but I feel lke it's impossible, I miss you too much. I miss everything that I will never get the chance to do with you. I hope you are at peace even though I'm not.
It has been two years since God took you away from me. I still cry. Sadness still calls my heart home. I pray that Babci is holding your hand. Does she get the chance to feel your soft breath? I still wonder who you would have been. The sadness still stays, and I feel like I'm lost. I need to find my way, but I feel lke it's impossible, I miss you too much. I miss everything that I will never get the chance to do with you. I hope you are at peace even though I'm not.
In the name of:
The Father
Holy Spirit Amen
Son
Dear God,
We decided a year ago that we should not have another baby. We stopped trying. Kevin’s illness made the decision for us. I don’t want to bring another child into this world if there is a chance he won’t know his dad. Everything happens for a reason. You brought my sweet baby into heaven, was it because Kevin is sick? I don’t understand your plan. I don’t know if I have enough faith to believe. Please help me find my way.
We decided a year ago that we should not have another baby. We stopped trying. Kevin’s illness made the decision for us. I don’t want to bring another child into this world if there is a chance he won’t know his dad. Everything happens for a reason. You brought my sweet baby into heaven, was it because Kevin is sick? I don’t understand your plan. I don’t know if I have enough faith to believe. Please help me find my way.
Survival rates for double-lung transplants are slightly better than single. Recent data show that the median survival for single-lung recipients is 4.6 years. The median survival for double-lung recipients is 6.6 years.
Dear God,
So, I’ll have almost seven years with my husband if all goes well with his surgery. THANKS! IT’S GOOD TO KNOW! Where's the light? I guess I should give up. I don't see the point anymore. I'm lost, and no one can find me.
A sadness takes over
It becomes a part of your soul
I don’t recognize who I am
I look into the mirror and see blackness
There is no light
No sunshine on my face
I don’t feel warmth
Only the cold depths
Devouring my heart
It becomes a part of your soul
I don’t recognize who I am
I look into the mirror and see blackness
There is no light
No sunshine on my face
I don’t feel warmth
Only the cold depths
Devouring my heart
The Phone Call From Beyond
It is the Saturday after Thanksgiving 2004. I am decorating for Christmas, trying to get in the spirit. The phone rings. I almost don’t answer it. The caller Id shows that it is my sister whom I do not talk to very much.
Andrea: Hello
Debbie: Andrea, is that you?
Andrea: yeah it’s me, what’s up?
Debbie: I was just wondering, are you pregnant?
Andrea: WHAT? No, I’m not pregnant. Why would you ask that? You know we decided a long time ago that it would be best not to have another baby.
Debbie: Well, I had a dream last night, and in my dream Babci came to me. She told me that someone I’m close to (but not close to) is pregnant, and that she is gonna give birth to a healthy baby boy. You are the first person I thought of.
Andrea: Well, it’s not me. Keep checking.
CLICK - I hang up the phone.
The One Who Called From Beyound....
BUT…… I drift off for a moment imagining what the dream could have been like.....
Debbie slowly turns in her sleep as the cold November air blows through the cracked window. The salt in the air covers the surface of the darkened room. As the chill collides with her bare face she pulls the blanket tightly around her neck. The warmth of the blanket is coated with a familiar frost; she has felt this before and knows what follows. The moon is unusually big and the reflection casts shadows that dance between the familiar and strange.
As the dance entwines with reality, Debbie's breathing slows to the sound of her heart, and she is suddenly thrown into sunlight. She can see something off in the distance, and as she begins walking through the tall grass it gently brushes the warm cheeks on her face. It is a house, a familiar house, but whose house could be in the middle of this field? She holds her arms out as the blades rake against her skin. She closes her eyes and turns slowly to feel the warmth of the sun, and as she opens them again the glare seems to blind her.
Holding her hand up to cover the sun, she sees the white screen door with the black bird on the center. She knows this house, but it doesn’t belong in a field, it belongs in a row of homes stretched across the streets of Philadelphia. It’s Babci’s house. As Debbie reaches for the door’s handle she remembers that no one lives here anymore; it’s been empty for the past few years, ever since both Babci and Dzadzi passed. She pushes the thought aside, and opens the front door.
Inside Debbie smells the sweet smell of buttercake baking. It’s a familiar smell, Dzadzi was always baking, and oh how she loved sampling the finished product. She can almost taste the gooey butter dripping off the cake. The center piece was always the best, barely any cake, but exploding with butter.
Debbie calls out, “Is anyone home?” “Babci, Dzadzi, are you home?” Even asking the question sounded strange, she knew they couldn’t be here. She went to sit in the golden chair that had a backdrop of a crocheted blanket. She sat and pulled the blanket around her shoulders, not completely sure as to why t was making her feel secure. She looked over to the sofa where babci and Dzadzi always sat, and her eyes stayed fixed on the person who sat there.
The person spoke, “Debbie, it’s been awhile.” Would you like some tea?”
“How can this be?” “I don’t understand, how are we here talking?” Debbie uttered quickly.
“I needed to talk to you.” Babci said softly. “You were the only one that could come, I knew you would listen, and give the message to the right person.”
Debbie was confused. She wasn’t sure what was happening. The whole situation didn’t make any sense, and yet it felt comfortable – like the warm sunshine – like the smell of buttercake – like the crocheted blanket wrapped around her. She was supposed to be here.
Babci grabbed Debbie’s hand and said, “You need to listen closely, we don’t have much time.” Babci held Debbie’s hand between hers and looked into her eyes. “Someone you are close to, but not very close to is pregnant. She is going to give birth to a healthy baby boy. I need you to tell her for me.”
Debbie was confused, she let go of babci’s hand and looked down saying, “I don’t understand, who? Who is pregnant, and who do I need to tell?” “Babci, I need more information than that.” “Babci?” Debbie looked up and she was alone in the middle of the tall grass. The sun was still shining, but slowly fading into the horizon.
Inside Debbie smells the sweet smell of buttercake baking. It’s a familiar smell, Dzadzi was always baking, and oh how she loved sampling the finished product. She can almost taste the gooey butter dripping off the cake. The center piece was always the best, barely any cake, but exploding with butter.
Debbie calls out, “Is anyone home?” “Babci, Dzadzi, are you home?” Even asking the question sounded strange, she knew they couldn’t be here. She went to sit in the golden chair that had a backdrop of a crocheted blanket. She sat and pulled the blanket around her shoulders, not completely sure as to why t was making her feel secure. She looked over to the sofa where babci and Dzadzi always sat, and her eyes stayed fixed on the person who sat there.
The person spoke, “Debbie, it’s been awhile.” Would you like some tea?”
“How can this be?” “I don’t understand, how are we here talking?” Debbie uttered quickly.
“I needed to talk to you.” Babci said softly. “You were the only one that could come, I knew you would listen, and give the message to the right person.”
Debbie was confused. She wasn’t sure what was happening. The whole situation didn’t make any sense, and yet it felt comfortable – like the warm sunshine – like the smell of buttercake – like the crocheted blanket wrapped around her. She was supposed to be here.
Babci grabbed Debbie’s hand and said, “You need to listen closely, we don’t have much time.” Babci held Debbie’s hand between hers and looked into her eyes. “Someone you are close to, but not very close to is pregnant. She is going to give birth to a healthy baby boy. I need you to tell her for me.”
Debbie was confused, she let go of babci’s hand and looked down saying, “I don’t understand, who? Who is pregnant, and who do I need to tell?” “Babci, I need more information than that.” “Babci?” Debbie looked up and she was alone in the middle of the tall grass. The sun was still shining, but slowly fading into the horizon.
She closes her eyes and feels the warmth of the setting sun slipping away. She breathes frosty air that whispers through the dark. She pulls the blanket tightly around her neck and shivers as the salt air makes its way back through the cracked window once again. She opens her eyes through confusion. The smell is gone, the warmth is gone, she is left with only the message, and the task of figuring out who the message is for.
I begin to wonder
Could I be? I mean, what are the chances? NO! stop thinking crazy, this isn’t happening. It would be too crazy to bring a baby into this world at this time. It can’t be, it’s impossibl,e crazy to think that someone else would know before the mother. Her and her stupid dreams. Who does she think she is calling me up out of the blue asking if I'm pregnant? It's ridiculous. She should jut keep her dreams to herself. But...... I don't know.
Could I be? I mean, what are the chances? NO! stop thinking crazy, this isn’t happening. It would be too crazy to bring a baby into this world at this time. It can’t be, it’s impossibl,e crazy to think that someone else would know before the mother. Her and her stupid dreams. Who does she think she is calling me up out of the blue asking if I'm pregnant? It's ridiculous. She should jut keep her dreams to herself. But...... I don't know.
A racing heart and sweaty palms
Hotness takes over
My body is on fire
My thoughts play tug of war
It’s hard to breath
Everything is tight
I can’t breath.
BREATH, just breath
Hotness takes over
My body is on fire
My thoughts play tug of war
It’s hard to breath
Everything is tight
I can’t breath.
BREATH, just breath
A Turn Of Events
God gave me a gift. A gift I had no idea I wanted. That’s the thing about a surprise, you don’t know how much you want it until it’s handed to you. I was filled with so much sadness that there wasn’t any sunlight. I couldn’t feel warmth; that is until I heard your heart beating.
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
~Emily Dickinson
I left the hospital with a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time – I felt hope.
The clouds began to disperse
Through the dark gray skies
Light appeared
Beautiful rays of sun
Shining on my face
Warmth wrapped tightly
Around my heart
I began to cry
Soft, subtle tears of happiness
Dear God,
It seems that I don’t talk to you that much when the sun is shining. I heard my baby’s heart beating today, and for the first time in a long time I felt mine beating. I was dead inside and I needed someone to blame. That person was you. I have hope now, and you gave me that hope. I didn’t feel it when I took my test, it came out positive, but I still didn’t feel happiness. The tiny heart that I heard today though, filled my heart with so much happiness that I cried. I want to say thank you. Thank you for making my heart beat again.
It seems that I don’t talk to you that much when the sun is shining. I heard my baby’s heart beating today, and for the first time in a long time I felt mine beating. I was dead inside and I needed someone to blame. That person was you. I have hope now, and you gave me that hope. I didn’t feel it when I took my test, it came out positive, but I still didn’t feel happiness. The tiny heart that I heard today though, filled my heart with so much happiness that I cried. I want to say thank you. Thank you for making my heart beat again.
Arriving at the hospital....
....I didn't know what to expect
....Nothing could prepare me
Sterile room filled with hope
Disappears beneath the light
Voices emerge talking casually
This is an everyday occurrence
Tears fall down my cheeks
As I think about holding your hand
Your dad wipes the drops with his lips
Whispering “I love you”
The pressure makes it hard to breathe
Almost there the casual voices declare
He's a big one
Crying
I hear the beautiful sound of you crying
It’s a boy the voices declare
A beautiful, healthy boy
Disappears beneath the light
Voices emerge talking casually
This is an everyday occurrence
Tears fall down my cheeks
As I think about holding your hand
Your dad wipes the drops with his lips
Whispering “I love you”
The pressure makes it hard to breathe
Almost there the casual voices declare
He's a big one
Crying
I hear the beautiful sound of you crying
It’s a boy the voices declare
A beautiful, healthy boy
It's A Boy
Dear God,
Thank you. He is perfect. Ten little perfect fingers, ten little perfect toes. He is my sunshine. I will cherish every minute, I won’t let time slip me by. I feel his breathe, and it gives me life. You gave me a miracle. My perfect little miracle that allowed me to see the sun. You had a plan that I didn’t understand, and I looked down on it. I hated it. I couldn’t understand how you were so cruel. I see the beauty now, the light that warms my heart, and you gave it all to me. Thank you for giving me light again.
Thank you. He is perfect. Ten little perfect fingers, ten little perfect toes. He is my sunshine. I will cherish every minute, I won’t let time slip me by. I feel his breathe, and it gives me life. You gave me a miracle. My perfect little miracle that allowed me to see the sun. You had a plan that I didn’t understand, and I looked down on it. I hated it. I couldn’t understand how you were so cruel. I see the beauty now, the light that warms my heart, and you gave it all to me. Thank you for giving me light again.
Dear Liam,
I am so grateful for the surprise that entered my life and gave me hope.
My world changed because of you. You make each day that I’m living full of sunshine. The sun not only warms my heart, but it shines on your face making my world brighter than it's ever been.
I am so grateful for the surprise that entered my life and gave me hope.
My world changed because of you. You make each day that I’m living full of sunshine. The sun not only warms my heart, but it shines on your face making my world brighter than it's ever been.
Each day is an adventure....
....no matter what we do....
....we smile and laugh....
....we conquer the world....
..and have fun doing it
Looking at the world through a child's eyes can create hope. There is beauty in what he sees. There is a veil that covers sorrow, only sun can filter through.
He paints a picture of how the world should be seen – simple and pure.
Dear Liam,
You are growing up so fast and before I can blink you will be grown. I cherish every minute we spend together because before long you will venture on to new things. Our time together will soon be replaced, your friends will become important and so will your independence. You will want to explore the world and I will worry every step of the way. I love that you see beauty in everything and everyone, please don’t lose that. Never lose your sense of innocence, be a child as long as you can, and never stop having adventures. You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on, and you warm my heart just by being you. I love you forever and always.
Love,
Mom
You are growing up so fast and before I can blink you will be grown. I cherish every minute we spend together because before long you will venture on to new things. Our time together will soon be replaced, your friends will become important and so will your independence. You will want to explore the world and I will worry every step of the way. I love that you see beauty in everything and everyone, please don’t lose that. Never lose your sense of innocence, be a child as long as you can, and never stop having adventures. You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on, and you warm my heart just by being you. I love you forever and always.
Love,
Mom
Dear God,
Thank you for giving me light so I can be found. I was in a dark place, but I managed to climb my way out. I wouldn't have been able to do it if you never gave me th gift of a son. He is my inspiration and light, and I will always be thankful that you blessed me with him. I will treasure him each day, and try to not let time slip away. Each day I have is like the sun shining and warming my heart. You have shown me a love like no other. A love that is patient and kind, and knows no boundaries. Thank you.
Thank you for giving me light so I can be found. I was in a dark place, but I managed to climb my way out. I wouldn't have been able to do it if you never gave me th gift of a son. He is my inspiration and light, and I will always be thankful that you blessed me with him. I will treasure him each day, and try to not let time slip away. Each day I have is like the sun shining and warming my heart. You have shown me a love like no other. A love that is patient and kind, and knows no boundaries. Thank you.
Liam, I love you forever and always ~ mom
Mommy, I love you more than a million jillion angry birds ~ Liam Mallon